A Moxie Fashionista takes fashion by the balls and makes it her own.
Monday, 22 November 2010
"Thanks so much for giving me this award for Serious Grown-Up Mature Boring Achievement. Now that I'm 'dating' Jake Gyllenhaal, I realize that I need to appear older and more sedate than my chronological age implies or it seems sort of creepy -- or it would, if I were actually going out with him, which I am not, except for I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Aren't you glad it's him and not John Mayer, though? Although I actually WAS hooking up with John Mayer and Jake and I are just going on hay rides for OK! And, um, we're also in love. Yes, I forgot that part. Anyway. Yes, now I am an adult. A serious adult. A serious adult who dresses seriously and is dating Jake Gyllenhaal and has put aside childlike things:
"And put ON wigs and serious expressions and looks like a plastic barbie."
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Monday, 1 November 2010
THOMAS JANE: No, it's just that my manager told me if I went barefoot at a red-carpet event one more time, she'd fire me. I've got bills to pay too, you know? But she didn't say ANYTHING about too-tight pants and greasy drunk hair. GOTCHA!
LUCY PUNCH: My dress represents all the psychological and sexual knots Woody likes to tie his characters into. Really. It does. It has NOTHING to do with wanting you to fixate on my erogenous zones.
WOODY ALLEN: I'm so depressed. I'm standing next to a beautiful woman who had the Cub Scouts of the USA lock her crotch for a knot-tying merit badge, and a woman who is over 40. Isn't it in my contract that I refuse to be seen with women who are over 40?
GEMMA JONES: Oh, shut it, Woody, I'm internationally beloved for being in Sense and Sensibility and Bridget Jones' Diary and starring as Madam Pomfrey in the Harry Potter movies. And incidentally, I'm supposedly excellent in your latest. So have a coffee and smile and let's get through this Woodsy!
KEVIN BACON: We're awesome.
KYRA SEDGWICK: We're the best couple in Hollywood.
KEVIN: If we ever break up, people will RAGE.
KYRA: Don't even say it, Kevin.
KEVIN: I'm sorry, my precious jewel. Shall we talk about your dress instead?
KYRA: I look GOOD.
KEVIN: That's what I was going to say.
KYRA: Although my hair has looked more polished.
KEVIN: I was NOT going to say that, but I did THINK it.
KYRA: Why didn't you say something before I left the house, Kevin?
KEVIN: BECAUSE OF MY STORIED AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
KYRA: How can I argue with that?
SUSAN SARANDON: So, we look awesome.
EVA AMURRI: We do look pretty great.
SUSAN: I'd normally note that you look a bit Barbie, but you're so not the Barbie Starlet type that I'm actually enjoying this sort of playing against type thing you're doing.
EVA: Well, and this dress is very pretty on me.
SUSAN: It is. Can we talk about how well I'm aging?
EVA: AGAIN? Mom, we talk about that all the time!
SUSAN: YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THESE GENETICS, YOUNG LADY.
EVA: Fine. Sorry. Yes. You look amazing.
SUSAN: Thank you. Now, let's go inside and sell ping-pong franchises to Tom Hanks. He owes me.
BEN AFFLECK: We are having SO MUCH FUN that hopefully no one will bug me about why my wife isn't with me, again!
REBECCA HALL: I am the meat in a man sandwich.
JON HAMM: You're the meat in a Hamm sandwich!
JEREMY RENNER: God, I'm short.
BEN: Are all these photos of us clutching at Rebecca and laughing going to start rumors?
JON: Of course! Our Jennifers are going to have to stop reading the Internet!
LOURDES: Remind me again why we needed this girl?
MADONNA: Because, Lola, she serves a very distinct purpose.
LOURDES: What is that? To make my ripped tights look comparatively hip and beautiful?
MADONNA: No, sweetie. To make America suck on it.
LOURDES: Interesting. Although frankly I think she's--
MADONNA: THAT'S RIGHT, I am the demure one in this photograph... Right?
LOURDES: Hey, it knows another word!
MADONNA: Don't taunt the creature, Lola. It's not polite.
TOM CRUISE: Yep.
CAMERON DIAZ: Yep.
TOM: We're still doing this.
CAMERON: Still doing this.
TOM: Knight and Day.
CAMERON: Somehow, it's not dead yet.
TOM: I probably need a haircut.
CAMERON: My shoes kind of look like the bouncer at a nightclub put them on my feet so people would know I paid the cover charge.
TOM: But you still look hot in that dress.
CAMERON: And you look handsome.
TOM: At this point, that's really all these people can ask.
CAMERON: Is this movie going to haunt us forever, Tom? Will we be in, like, Uzbekistan in March, doing promo for this turd?
TOM: Yes, Cameron. Yes. They are going to wring us dry.
CAMERON: If that happens, I swear to God, I'm not bringing any heels. I might not even bring a dress. I might just wear flannel pants.
TOM: Amen to that.
ASHTON KUTCHER: We are SO HAPPY TOGETHER! No marital problems at all! OUR BODY LANGUAGE IS NOT AT ALL AWKWARD!
DEMI MOORE: Ashton, let go of my wrist. We look all weird and Cruise-Holmesian.
ASHTON: That's FINE WITH ME, PRECIOUS BRIDE!
DEMI: Yeah. Like that's better. At least I look super hot.
ASHTON: Super hot! NEVER WOULD I STRAY, SWEET WIFE.
DEMI: Whatever. If you REALLY loved me, you'd do something about that hair. You look like you tripped and fell into 1992.
ASHTON: I actually had this hair in 1992! Those were good times. I had just started high school -- HA! Can you believe I was 14 when you were married to Bruce? -- and --
DEMI: Guess what? YOU'RE NOT HELPING. And there's something else you should never do again:
ASHTON: But, that's Chris Brown! He's --
DEMI: There is no end to that sentence that will help your cause.
DEMI MOORE: TOLDJA the stocking cap wasn't going to help your hair situation! IT RARELY DOES. UP HIGH, KUTCH!
ASHTON KUTCHER: Leave me alone.
DEMI: It's a good thing you're pretty cute to begin with. Or I might leave you for Justin Bieber. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. Get it?
DEMI: Because he's so YOUNG.
ASHTON: I get it.
DEMI: Oh, snap out of it. Just tell everyone the hat and the hair are for a role and then FIND A DECENT ROLE.
NARCISO RODRIGUEZ: Hey Claire.
CLAIRE DANES: Hi, Narciso! Loved the show last week! You're so talented. And you look as charming as always.
NARCISO: Thanks! And you look....interesting.
CLAIRE: Uh, didn't you design this?
NARCISO: DID I?
CLAIRE: Didn't you? I'm posing with you!
NARCISO: Well. We're friends. Anyone could have designed that. I don't know. I don't know who designed that. Maybe YOU designed it. You did, didn't you? It's an adorable effort. Keep practicing!
CLAIRE: No, I didn't.
NARCISO: Are you sure?
CLAIRE: Yes. Is that your way of saying you don't like it?
NARCISO: It's my way of saying...gosh, it's good to see you. Hey, look, over there! JARED LETO!
CLAIRE: Are you trying to distract me?
CLAIRE: Well, that one doesn't work. NOT ANYMORE.
The caption attached to this photo noted -- diplomatically if not with great historical accuracy -- that Miley is sporting a "Native American-inspired look."
And that sound you just heard was every Native American reader of this Web site vigorously typing a press release (addressed to the entire world) in which s/he makes it VERY VERY CLEAR that her ancestors DID NOT and NEVER WOULD HAVE worn leopard print leggings. and that, in fact, they reject any connection with Miley, Billy Ray, and any Cyruses to be named later.
MILLA JOVOVICH: Hey, do you have my quarterly taxes ready? I don't want to get a penalty -- weren't they due last month?
EDWARD NORTON: Huh?
MILLA: DUDE, my TAXES.
ED: Milla, I am not your accountant.
MILLA: Are you sure?
ED: YES. I am Edward Norton, noted intense actor and filmic control freak, once romantically linked to Courtney Love, against all probability.
MILLA: You look SO much like my accountant, this kind of cute young dude who always takes off his jacket and rolls up his shirt sleeves before dealing with my finances. I always want to tell him to get his shoes shined, too.
ED: SORRY TO DISAPPOINT.
MILLA: God, you're so crabby.
ED: MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO DRESS UP FOR THIS.
MILLA: Okay! Jeez! Man, I don't know how Courtney put up with you.
ED: I'm legally prohibited from discussing that.
MILLA: Let's just go inside.
LIEV SCHREIBER: Hey, honey?
NAOMI WATTS: Yes?
LIEV: You do know we're not just in our living room right?
NAOMI: What, just because I don't have on a ton of makeup and my HAIR looks like I just passed out in a BEANBAG chair because our CHILDREN are really EXHAUSTING, and...
LIEV: No, you always look beautiful to me. I meant... those
NAOMI: What, my satin harem sweatpants with cuffs so tall I could use them as a really complicated and inconvenient beer koozie?
LIEV: Well, yes.
NAOMI: Listen, plays are long. I need to be comfortable. And look! Deep pockets! I can pluck a thigh hair and it gives my neck cords that really tense modely look.
LIEV: And with that, we are in Crazytown.
LIEV'S MOTHER: I really resent that I had to be here for this.
Honestly, wearing a burka covered in lyrics from your album and giving the camera the bird is almost too on the nose when it comes to the Offending People As a Way of Getting Attention sweepstakes. Like, it seems SO OBVIOUSLY designed to get people all worked up that it comes all the way around and turns boring again. You REALLY want to get people's attention in this post-Gaga age? You have to work harder than this.
Don't even get me started. No, seriously. Don't get me started on this. Yes, GQ, the PERFECT person to shoot a cover and editorial spread about a show about teenagers is TERRY RICHARDSON, who's recently enjoyed a tidal wave of press about how he is TOTALLY GROSS to all the underage models who are sent to him! WHAT AN AWESOME PLAN. And what is YET AWESOMER is to decide that the women on Glee should pose COMPLETELY SCANTILY CLAD.
Look, I get that GQ is kind of lad-mag adjacent and that the people on Glee are of age, but when you look at this cover and the shots inside and Dianna Agron looks like a nun simply because she's wearing BOTTOMS, maybe we've crossed a PR-bridge too far. After all, when you've got Lea Michele making her Victoria's Secret face on the cover in her underpants, do you ALSO need her to be eating a lollipop in her panties inside? And also eating a lollipop in her panties with her legs spread and playing with her hair? And, oh, just standing around in her panties -- sans lollipop this time, but threatening to take off her top? I don't mean to strangle myself with these pearls that I'm clutching BUT COME ON. You can be cute and you can be sexy and you can be alluring and you can still wear something other than your panties in every single shot in a national magazine, especially when the other people in the spread range from COMPLETELY (Cory) to kinda (Dianna) clothed. I don't blame Lea Michele for this -- although I have to admit that my reaction to these pictures was to say, "oh, god. She really IS unbearable." -- but I do blame SOMEONE for not saying, "hey, this show is all about how cool it is to be different and talented, so maybe our lead actress -- who is crazy talented and would be even if she were wearing a zombie costume -- doesn't need to be styled like the most important thing about her is her body, just like every other anonymous sexpot in every other lad mag in the world.
I need to go breathe into a bag now. What do you think?
Seriously, they are not from this planet. They were beamed here from a spaceship called BattleSmith Galactica, and they intend to OWN OUR ASSES with their movies and their shoulder pads and their giant hats and mesh coats and their singles about head-banging (seriously, approximately 80 percent of the lyrics to Willow's finely wrought "Whip My Hair" involve her explaining that she is whipping her hair). If we don't cooperate, that's when we learn what the giant ebony tusk around Jada's neck REALLY does. Hint: It might involve whipping, but probably does not involve your hair. So you might want to save yourself some time and agony, and genuflect.
LISTEN UP Y'ALL. I AM FEELING BEYOND COMPARE, WITH MY SHIRT LIKE SATIN SURGICAL SCRUBS AND MY DANDY POCKET SQUARE, WHICH I WEAR CAUSE I CARE THAT Y'ALL LOVE TO STARE SO I'M JUST SHARING MY FLAIR LIKE THAT WALDORF NAMED BLAIR.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE: Is Emma wearing a shorts romper with a triangle of illusion netting in the midriff? Sigh. This makes me want to split my soul into several pieces and hide them inside a variety of meaningful trinkets strewn across the country except I've heard that usually ends poorly. I guess I'll just focus on her cute legs and think of England