Taylor Swift is a Barbie

"Thanks so much for giving me this award for Serious Grown-Up Mature Boring Achievement. Now that I'm 'dating' Jake Gyllenhaal, I realize that I need to appear older and more sedate than my chronological age implies or it seems sort of creepy -- or it would, if I were actually going out with him, which I am not, except for I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Aren't you glad it's him and not John Mayer, though? Although I actually WAS hooking up with John Mayer and Jake and I are just going on hay rides for OK! And, um, we're also in love. Yes, I forgot that part. Anyway. Yes, now I am an adult. A serious adult. A serious adult who dresses seriously and is dating Jake Gyllenhaal and has put aside childlike things:

"And put ON wigs and serious expressions and looks like a plastic barbie."

Two Dudes with Do's

Cornel West and Al Raboteau pose, looking like two nutcases.

Christina Ricci Wears a Dunce Cap

I adore you Christina, but your dress is sinking, thus taking the twins down with it and the dress makes me nauseous. And the red dunce cap. Be aware of where you pose for photos.

OMG Amber Riley is So Cute

Dude, I just love this dress on Amber Riley. The color: Great. The fit: ditto. The proportions: pretty much perfect. The hair: super cute. Bravo.

Drunk Hair

THOMAS JANE: No, it's just that my manager told me if I went barefoot at a red-carpet event one more time, she'd fire me. I've got bills to pay too, you know? But she didn't say ANYTHING about too-tight pants and greasy drunk hair. GOTCHA!

Grumpy Woody

LUCY PUNCH: My dress represents all the psychological and sexual knots Woody likes to tie his characters into. Really. It does. It has NOTHING to do with wanting you to fixate on my erogenous zones.

WOODY ALLEN: I'm so depressed. I'm standing next to a beautiful woman who had the Cub Scouts of the USA lock her crotch for a knot-tying merit badge, and a woman who is over 40. Isn't it in my contract that I refuse to be seen with women who are over 40?

GEMMA JONES: Oh, shut it, Woody, I'm internationally beloved for being in Sense and Sensibility and Bridget Jones' Diary and starring as Madam Pomfrey in the Harry Potter movies. And incidentally, I'm supposedly excellent in your latest. So have a coffee and smile and let's get through this Woodsy!

Yes, Kev's Actually Wearing Sunglasses

KEVIN BACON: We're awesome.

KYRA SEDGWICK: We're the best couple in Hollywood.

KEVIN: If we ever break up, people will RAGE.

KYRA: Don't even say it, Kevin.

KEVIN: I'm sorry, my precious jewel. Shall we talk about your dress instead?

KYRA: I look GOOD.

KEVIN: That's what I was going to say.

KYRA: Although my hair has looked more polished.

KEVIN: I was NOT going to say that, but I did THINK it.

KYRA: Why didn't you say something before I left the house, Kevin?

KEVIN: BECAUSE OF MY STORIED AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

KYRA: How can I argue with that?

Mo and Daugther Time

SUSAN SARANDON: So, we look awesome.

EVA AMURRI: We do look pretty great.

SUSAN: I'd normally note that you look a bit Barbie, but you're so not the Barbie Starlet type that I'm actually enjoying this sort of playing against type thing you're doing.

EVA: Well, and this dress is very pretty on me.

SUSAN: It is. Can we talk about how well I'm aging?

EVA: AGAIN? Mom, we talk about that all the time!

SUSAN: YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THESE GENETICS, YOUNG LADY.

EVA: Fine. Sorry. Yes. You look amazing.

SUSAN: Thank you. Now, let's go inside and sell ping-pong franchises to Tom Hanks. He owes me.

HUG TIME

BEN AFFLECK: We are having SO MUCH FUN that hopefully no one will bug me about why my wife isn't with me, again!

REBECCA HALL: I am the meat in a man sandwich.

JON HAMM: You're the meat in a Hamm sandwich!

JEREMY RENNER: God, I'm short.

BEN: Are all these photos of us clutching at Rebecca and laughing going to start rumors?

JON: Of course! Our Jennifers are going to have to stop reading the Internet!

I Wanna Barf. These Things Are SICK

LOURDES: Remind me again why we needed this girl?

TAYLOR: BORING.

MADONNA: Because, Lola, she serves a very distinct purpose.

LOURDES: What is that? To make my ripped tights look comparatively hip and beautiful?

TAYLOR: BORING.

MADONNA: No, sweetie. To make America suck on it.

LOURDES: Interesting. Although frankly I think she's--

TAYLOR: BORING.

LOURDES: Exactly.

MADONNA: THAT'S RIGHT, I am the demure one in this photograph... Right?

TAYLOR: DOUBTFUL.

LOURDES: Hey, it knows another word!

MADONNA: Don't taunt the creature, Lola. It's not polite.

Cam and Tom to Uzbekistan!

TOM CRUISE: Yep.

CAMERON DIAZ: Yep.

TOM: We're still doing this.

CAMERON: Still doing this.

TOM: Knight and Day.

CAMERON: Somehow, it's not dead yet.

TOM: I probably need a haircut.

CAMERON: My shoes kind of look like the bouncer at a nightclub put them on my feet so people would know I paid the cover charge.

TOM: But you still look hot in that dress.

CAMERON: And you look handsome.

TOM: At this point, that's really all these people can ask.

CAMERON: Is this movie going to haunt us forever, Tom? Will we be in, like, Uzbekistan in March, doing promo for this turd?

TOM: Yes, Cameron. Yes. They are going to wring us dry.

CAMERON: If that happens, I swear to God, I'm not bringing any heels. I might not even bring a dress. I might just wear flannel pants.

TOM: Amen to that.

I Think Mr. Smiles in the Background is Cuter.

ASHTON KUTCHER: We are SO HAPPY TOGETHER! No marital problems at all! OUR BODY LANGUAGE IS NOT AT ALL AWKWARD!

DEMI MOORE: Ashton, let go of my wrist. We look all weird and Cruise-Holmesian.

ASHTON: That's FINE WITH ME, PRECIOUS BRIDE!

DEMI: Yeah. Like that's better. At least I look super hot.

ASHTON: Super hot! NEVER WOULD I STRAY, SWEET WIFE.

DEMI: Whatever. If you REALLY loved me, you'd do something about that hair. You look like you tripped and fell into 1992.

ASHTON: I actually had this hair in 1992! Those were good times. I had just started high school -- HA! Can you believe I was 14 when you were married to Bruce? -- and --

DEMI: Guess what? YOU'RE NOT HELPING. And there's something else you should never do again:

ASHTON: But, that's Chris Brown! He's --

DEMI: There is no end to that sentence that will help your cause.

It All Started With the Stupid Hat Thing

DEMI MOORE: TOLDJA the stocking cap wasn't going to help your hair situation! IT RARELY DOES. UP HIGH, KUTCH!

ASHTON KUTCHER: Leave me alone.

DEMI: It's a good thing you're pretty cute to begin with. Or I might leave you for Justin Bieber. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. Get it?
DEMI: Because he's so YOUNG.

ASHTON: I get it.

DEMI: Oh, snap out of it. Just tell everyone the hat and the hair are for a role and then FIND A DECENT ROLE.

Did I Design What You're Wearing Claire? Please no...

NARCISO RODRIGUEZ: Hey Claire.

CLAIRE DANES: Hi, Narciso! Loved the show last week! You're so talented. And you look as charming as always.

NARCISO: Thanks! And you look....interesting.

CLAIRE: Uh, didn't you design this?

NARCISO: DID I?

CLAIRE: Didn't you? I'm posing with you!

NARCISO: Well. We're friends. Anyone could have designed that. I don't know. I don't know who designed that. Maybe YOU designed it. You did, didn't you? It's an adorable effort. Keep practicing!

CLAIRE: No, I didn't.

NARCISO: Are you sure?

CLAIRE: Yes. Is that your way of saying you don't like it?

NARCISO: It's my way of saying...gosh, it's good to see you. Hey, look, over there! JARED LETO!

CLAIRE: Are you trying to distract me?

NARCISO: Yes.

CLAIRE: Well, that one doesn't work. NOT ANYMORE.

Miley's Native American Inspired Look. This is Not a Joke

The caption attached to this photo noted -- diplomatically if not with great historical accuracy -- that Miley is sporting a "Native American-inspired look."

And that sound you just heard was every Native American reader of this Web site vigorously typing a press release (addressed to the entire world) in which s/he makes it VERY VERY CLEAR that her ancestors DID NOT and NEVER WOULD HAVE worn leopard print leggings. and that, in fact, they reject any connection with Miley, Billy Ray, and any Cyruses to be named later.

Edward is Milla's Accountant

MILLA JOVOVICH: Hey, do you have my quarterly taxes ready? I don't want to get a penalty -- weren't they due last month?

EDWARD NORTON: Huh?

MILLA: DUDE, my TAXES.

ED: Milla, I am not your accountant.

MILLA: Are you sure?

ED: YES. I am Edward Norton, noted intense actor and filmic control freak, once romantically linked to Courtney Love, against all probability.

MILLA: You look SO much like my accountant, this kind of cute young dude who always takes off his jacket and rolls up his shirt sleeves before dealing with my finances. I always want to tell him to get his shoes shined, too.

ED: SORRY TO DISAPPOINT.

MILLA: God, you're so crabby.

ED: MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO DRESS UP FOR THIS.

MILLA: Okay! Jeez! Man, I don't know how Courtney put up with you.

ED: I'm legally prohibited from discussing that.

MILLA: Let's just go inside.

Mom Time for Naomi and Liev

LIEV SCHREIBER: Hey, honey?

NAOMI WATTS: Yes?

LIEV: You do know we're not just in our living room right?

NAOMI: What, just because I don't have on a ton of makeup and my HAIR looks like I just passed out in a BEANBAG chair because our CHILDREN are really EXHAUSTING, and...

LIEV: No, you always look beautiful to me. I meant... those
NAOMI: What, my satin harem sweatpants with cuffs so tall I could use them as a really complicated and inconvenient beer koozie?

LIEV: Well, yes.

NAOMI: Listen, plays are long. I need to be comfortable. And look! Deep pockets! I can pluck a thigh hair and it gives my neck cords that really tense modely look.

LIEV: And with that, we are in Crazytown.

LIEV'S MOTHER: I really resent that I had to be here for this.

I Loved This Interview with Russell Brand

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2010/10/russell_brand_on.html?f=most-commented-vulture-7d5%3Fmid%3Dfacebook_vulture

M.I.A. is Cooler Than This

Honestly, wearing a burka covered in lyrics from your album and giving the camera the bird is almost too on the nose when it comes to the Offending People As a Way of Getting Attention sweepstakes. Like, it seems SO OBVIOUSLY designed to get people all worked up that it comes all the way around and turns boring again. You REALLY want to get people's attention in this post-Gaga age? You have to work harder than this.

Awful Cover: Glee

Don't even get me started. No, seriously. Don't get me started on this. Yes, GQ, the PERFECT person to shoot a cover and editorial spread about a show about teenagers is TERRY RICHARDSON, who's recently enjoyed a tidal wave of press about how he is TOTALLY GROSS to all the underage models who are sent to him! WHAT AN AWESOME PLAN. And what is YET AWESOMER is to decide that the women on Glee should pose COMPLETELY SCANTILY CLAD.

Look, I get that GQ is kind of lad-mag adjacent and that the people on Glee are of age, but when you look at this cover and the shots inside and Dianna Agron looks like a nun simply because she's wearing BOTTOMS, maybe we've crossed a PR-bridge too far. After all, when you've got Lea Michele making her Victoria's Secret face on the cover in her underpants, do you ALSO need her to be eating a lollipop in her panties inside? And also eating a lollipop in her panties with her legs spread and playing with her hair? And, oh, just standing around in her panties -- sans lollipop this time, but threatening to take off her top? I don't mean to strangle myself with these pearls that I'm clutching BUT COME ON. You can be cute and you can be sexy and you can be alluring and you can still wear something other than your panties in every single shot in a national magazine, especially when the other people in the spread range from COMPLETELY (Cory) to kinda (Dianna) clothed. I don't blame Lea Michele for this -- although I have to admit that my reaction to these pictures was to say, "oh, god. She really IS unbearable." -- but I do blame SOMEONE for not saying, "hey, this show is all about how cool it is to be different and talented, so maybe our lead actress -- who is crazy talented and would be even if she were wearing a zombie costume -- doesn't need to be styled like the most important thing about her is her body, just like every other anonymous sexpot in every other lad mag in the world.

I need to go breathe into a bag now. What do you think?

The Smiths: You've Got to Be Kidding Me.

Seriously, they are not from this planet. They were beamed here from a spaceship called BattleSmith Galactica, and they intend to OWN OUR ASSES with their movies and their shoulder pads and their giant hats and mesh coats and their singles about head-banging (seriously, approximately 80 percent of the lyrics to Willow's finely wrought "Whip My Hair" involve her explaining that she is whipping her hair). If we don't cooperate, that's when we learn what the giant ebony tusk around Jada's neck REALLY does. Hint: It might involve whipping, but probably does not involve your hair. So you might want to save yourself some time and agony, and genuflect.

Kanye is Back

LISTEN UP Y'ALL. I AM FEELING BEYOND COMPARE, WITH MY SHIRT LIKE SATIN SURGICAL SCRUBS AND MY DANDY POCKET SQUARE, WHICH I WEAR CAUSE I CARE THAT Y'ALL LOVE TO STARE SO I'M JUST SHARING MY FLAIR LIKE THAT WALDORF NAMED BLAIR.

Sienna Graduates Food School

Given the items she's holding, you'd think she was really stoked to be graduating with honors from Pine Cone Academy for Food Pyramid Mastery.

Daniel's Oogle Time

DANIEL RADCLIFFE: Is Emma wearing a shorts romper with a triangle of illusion netting in the midriff? Sigh. This makes me want to split my soul into several pieces and hide them inside a variety of meaningful trinkets strewn across the country except I've heard that usually ends poorly. I guess I'll just focus on her cute legs and think of England

Jay-Z's Random Candy Face

Jay-Z was leaving dinner in New York when some dude (in an unflattering camo hoodie) tried to offer him candy. The look on Jay’s face makes my life.

Now I’ve been accused of not knowing how to be a “true fan” and your first inclination might be to say – oh that’s very sweet, what a nice gesture, and celebrities should be more appreciative, but making Jay-Z eat your candy is SO NOT THE SAME as asking him to sign an autograph and/or a photo.
Like, WHY would he eat your random candy??? And WHY would you PRESUME that he would eat your random candy?
You see Jay’s face? That’s the Random Candy Face.

Kristen Stewart and the Hairtie

Here is Kristen Stewart promoting Twilight in Stockholm. I love the corset detail on this Zac Posen dress. What I love even more the hair tie around her right wrist. On a more manufactured starlet, that would have been removed. I love Kristen Stewart even more for her hairtie down-to-earthness. See, we can all relate to the times when you just want to throw your hair back and get it off your face. Take a look (at other closer pics) and you can tell she’s been using it for a while because it's worn. Probably because it’s her last. There’s a desperation you feel when you’re away from home on your last hair tie. It’s like you never want it out of your sight.

I am also worried because there is a white missile heading toward Taylor Lautner's gorgeous bronze face and that there is a creepy shah woman with loooong blond hair behind Kristen, willing her magical powers for the hemline of Kristen's dress to actually cover her crotch.

Pin Down Dev Patel and Put a Ring On It.

Dev Patel- put a ring on her finger already! He is one lucky man. Freida looks stunning in Oscar de la Renta. I am fanning myself. Not literally though.

Gemma Arteron's Oh-So Shiny Hair? But WTF...

Oh, look at Gemma Arteron. What a pretty Brit. And her hair! Gemma what product did you use? Was it Gemma Arteron Shiny Hair Gloss? But the style ends at her head...

WTF? I am weeping. But I love your shiny hair.

Floppy Moppy Hair

Model Luca Gadjus (sweet in Calvin Klein) and her partner Max von Gumppenberg are a cute couple, but Max's floppy moppy hair is so not appealing. At all. It looks like a toupee mushroom.

Isabel Lucas Leading a Hippie Song Circle?

Australian actress and activist Isabel Lucas arrives at LAX with an acoustic guitar in hand... perhaps for a peaceful protest of some sort? Or maybe just for a good, old fashioned sing-along! "Come on, people now, smile on your brother..."

Amusing Red Carpet Moments

The only person who looks normal here is Mike Tyson. What has the world come to?

Alas, a picture of Ken Jeong not Jeonging around. Here he is with his wife. Aren't they so cute?

Ken Jeong is Jeonging around here. Jeonging is a new term for Ken Jeong doing anything similar to this.

I know, I know, many of Ken's movie roles consist of similar poses and looks such as this, but Ken Jeong is officially awesome. I adore him.

Ah, it's Adrien Brody again. I love ya onscreen, but offscreen, you just can't dress. Here you look like a Persian pimp or a douche bag. Either one. Both.

Adrien Brody is a great actor, not dresser. His chest hair is forming the shape of breasts. That's why we COVER IT UP. What's up with the red scarf? Are you part of the Soviet Youth Program? No. No. No.

Josh Brolin can give the Heimlich maneuver to his wife Diane Lane and still look sexy.

KRISTEN STEWART: I look great.

TAYLOR LAUTNER: I'm wearing layers.

K.STEW: Yeah, but don't I look great? Like, I'm proving I can be hygienic and still edgy at the same time?

T.L.: See, if one more person asks me to go shirtless, I'm going to scream, okay? So Rome gets jacket AND shirt. Deal with it.

K.STEW: You're totally missing the headline here.

T.L.: I am HOPING I will miss headlines like, "Lautner Looks Tautner."

K.STEW: Would you just please stop fixating on the abs that made you famous and check out how awesome I look? I don't shower for just ANYONE, you know.

T.L.: Now I know how Rob felt about his hair. I swear, as soon as we're done with Breaking Dawn, I'm eating Wendy's for two months.

K.STEW: Fine. FINE. Ignore my efforts. But if I decide to quit bathing again and wear only solar-paneled skirts from now on, you have only yourself to blame.

Aren't John Krasinski and Emily Blunt a cute couple?
Well, yes, but I'm distracted by post-coital Streep and a certain Baldwin in the background.

ZAC EFRON: THIS GUY!!!!

ELIJAH KELLEY: Uh... yeah, hey there, Zac.

ZAC: THIS GUY! THIS is the GUY!

ELIJAH: Sure. You too, buddy. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you...

ZAC: LISTEN TO THE HUMOR ON THAT GUY!

ELIJAH: I haven't even said anything yet.

ZAC: I LOVE this guy. He is THE GUY.

ELIJAH: Seriously, listen, this has been bothering me for a while now. Is this just how you look naturally, or do you actually wear four tons of stage makeup every time you leave the house?

ZAC: The WORLD is my STAGE! I am the musical star of the DECADE! High School Musical!

ELIJAH: Okay...well, don't get too close. I look pretty sharp in this eggplant color and I don't want any of that rubbing off on the fabric.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: So listen up, here, Ricci. I'm going to tell it like it motherf***ing IS.

CHRISTINA RICCI: What? You don't like the dress? Are you kidding me? I didn't get all dolled up in this pretty fuchsia gown just so...

SAMUEL L.: Chill out, Christina, you look great, but I'm going to tell you one thing: It's motherf***ing COLD outside!

CHRISTINA: I know, but seriously, I look totally hot, and I just thought-

SAMUEL L.: Listen, I know you thought, "Oh, Samuel L. is a wacky old mess, showing up in that weird motherf***ing argyle sweater..."

CHRISTINA: It DOES look a little bit like you stole it from the notebook of the Physics Club president, who was designing it for their national competitions.

SAMUEL L.: Did I ask for your motherf***ing input? I don't CARE if you think my sweater looks like it's waiting for some snot-nosed 16-year old motherf***er to go through a gangsta-thermodymanics phase, o-motherf***ing-kay?

CHRISTINA: Uh...

SAMUEL L.: And I don't CARE if you're motherf***ing tired of seeing me with motherf***ing hats on, and I don't EVEN care if my coat looks to you like I think I'm in motherf***ing Wisconsin hunting motherf***ing deer. You get me?

CHRISTINA: It's...a little help here, anyone?

SAMUEL L.: I'm Samuel motherf***ing L. motherf***ing Jackson, okay? And not only do I wear whatever the motherf**** I want, but I look motherf***ing FINE in it, too, because I am a BAD-motherf***ing-ASS. And what this bad-motherf***ing-ass wants to tell you is, you look COLD in your sleeveless dress with your pink frostnipped frozen face, okay? So maybe you should faux-fur-line that motherf***er, or buy a hat, or a motherf***ing mathlete-quality argyle sweater, before your arms fall off. CAN YOU MOTHERF***ING DIG IT?

CHRISTINA: You know what? You're right. It is cold, and my face is about to freeze off. I can dig it, Sam L., I motherf***ing CAN!

SAMUEL L.: Damn, girl, watch your language. There's really no call for that kind of talk. Lord! Somebody get this girl some mouth-soap.

Jessica Biel is in The A-Team? I had no idea there even were any women in The A-Team. In fairness, I may be distracted by Bradley Cooper's abs in the ads. Also distracting:

Is that...a napkin tied around a lace bustier? Because it looks like a dinner napkin haphazardly tied around her breasts, perhaps in the aftermath of an unfortunate table candle/bodice/pinot grigio incident. (Who HASN'T set her breasts on fire whilst innocently attempting to better read the happy hour menu?). Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Yep. Dim lighting in restaurateur = need to peer closely at menu = candle = flames = fiery bodice destruction = haphazard construction of top from dinner napkin.

R.PATTZ: Hello. I must say your hair is looking much better.

EMILIE DE RAVIN: Better than what?

R.PATTZ: On Lost right now it looks like two eagles had a fight in it over who got to nest there.

EDR: Well, but on Lost right now, I am batshit crazy.

R.PATTZ: Yes, but you seem to have picked up a few other ideas from your character. Isn't that a Dharma regulation tarp you've tied up at your thighs?

EDR: This coming from a person whose sideburns look like his ear sneezed.

R.PATTZ: Well.

EDR: Well.

R.PATTZ: Now this is kind of awkward.

EDR: I know. Especially because your girlfriend Kristen is standing over there and I think she wants to gut me like a fish.

R.PATTZ: Oh, she just hates these red carpet things.

EDR: Are you sure? Because you know, we supposedly hooked up during shooting.

R.PATTZ: I know.

EDR: Maybe it's just those pants that are making her angry, and not me.

R.PATTZ: No, it's probably you. Although they are terrible pants.

EDR: Are they brocade?

R.PATTZ: You didn't give her any Dharma Initiative Khaki Dining-Room Chair Covers, did you?

EDR: I think we should stop talking before she sics a Dharma Initiative Polar Bear Of Murder on me.

R.PATTZ: Done.

JENNIFER ANISTON: Wait, where do you want us to stand?

GERARD BUTLER: Over where?

JENNIFER: ALL the way over there?

GERARD: But if we stand over there, you won't be able to take our picture! You're gonna want a shot of this! She's dressed like she's attending the annual Hot Topic Vampire Prom for Grades 7-10!

JENNIFER: And he's TOTALLY going to grab my butt six to twelve separate times!

GERARD: You guys are gonna NEED THAT PICTURE!

KATIE HOLMES: Why am I doing this? Why am I doing ANY OF THIS? What has happened to my life that I am being bodily escorted places while wearing a bathing suit cover-up?

TOM CRUISE: Just don't laugh at her shoes. Just don't laugh at her shoes. Just don't laugh at her shoes.

Need I say more?

Anyone- even Queen Elizabeth II of England- will look like Big Bird when they wear yellow-on-yellow.

Tom and Katie do look scarily alike. Really, when you think about it.

Victoria, I love you, but not this look. You look like Jack Skillington from a Nightmare Before Christmas.

The upward eyes, lipstick and whiteness...

Phil Spector, you scare me with your horrifying hair that looks like a dandelion- I'm giving you benefit of the doubt.

Mel, cut it out, you don't want to look like V from V for Vendetta.

Fortunately, Ryan Gosling's IMDB page claims he was filming a movie called Lars and the Real Girl, the one-line summary of which appears as follows: "A delusional young guy strikes up an unconventional relationship with a doll he finds on the Internet."

At the risk of offending anyone with upper-lip hair -- it's not personal; it's situational, a face-by-face case -- that synopsis would seem the appropriate context for a mustache so cruelly rendered across an otherwise intriguing face.
I'd like to take this moment to thank Great American Actor Al Pacino for kindly demonstrating for us the dangers of too much bronzer. These horrifying photos were taken a mere day apart. Behold! Beware! Bewail!

"And yes, burnishing myself, Ryan Reynolds, to the color of Cosmo Kramer as a turkey WAS a deliberate stylistic choice."

These shiny pants would be a crime against a 57-year old groin, much less one belonging to a spry under-40 like Anthony Hamilton. Seriously, dude, if you pull those up any higher you'll be infertile.

KEIRA: Um, Sienna? What are you doing?

SIENNA: Shh, be quiet. I'm trying to do your silent pouty thing where you look kind of coy and cross and hungry all at once.

KEIRA: Not bad, not bad. But it's better when you open your lips up a little bit.

SIENNA: You mean, like this?

KEIRA: Yes, much better. See how bony our cheeks look? And how it looks like we're about ten seconds away from delivering a disparaging quip?

SIENNA: I love this. I'm going to do it forever.

KEIRA: If you do, I'd appreciate it if you didn't sully my trademark with those weird sleeves. In some lights they look plastic. And are those... bugs? Snakes?

SIENNA: Bollocks, I don't know. I just assume I look fantastic in everything so I don't really pay attention.

KEIRA: Also, I don't wear shirts as dresses. Just a tip if you're going to keep trying to replicate my face.

SIENNA: But you DO look like the star of a cheesy televised ballet about the ghost of a girl who drowned in Swan Lake. Why is the bodice detail of your dress somewhere down around your lower rib cage?

KEIRA: I don't know. I ALSO tend to assume I look fantastic and don't pay attention. Isn't that weird? We're like SISTERS.

SIENNA: Yes! Really hollow-cheeked sisters. Bloody brilliant. Let's go inside and chew on some air.

"What? James Dean was a rebel without a cause; I, Ed Westwick, am a rebel without socks. It's the same. Deal with it."

Keith Urban Leaves The Drugstore With A Bag of Cough Syrup And Three Boxes of Saltines."

I seriously can't wait for the premiere of Whoopi and Andre Talley Up the Goldbergs, the new reality series about Whoopi and ALT's roadtrip through America in search of all of Whoopi's long-lost relatives, premiering this fall on Oxygen.

This is obviously from the episode where they accidentally join a religious cult.

You know you're in dire straits when Kevin Smith is the best looking guy in the picture. And yet he totally is. He appears clean -- both in the sense of "washed" and "not strung out on smack" -- and he doesn't seem to careening recklessly toward death like Fugfleck and Jason "I'm Off Heroin, If By 'Off' You Mean 'Totally Still On'" Mewes. I mean, is Smith fat? Sure! Is he fatter than ever before? Probably! But at least he trimmed that gnarly beard and appears to have a working relationship with soap. The other two fools? Not so much.

For the love of God, Ben Affleck, look in the goddamned mirror and get a damned grip on yourself.

He's bloated! He's sunburned! He's disoriented! He's got a pen tucked behind his ear! What next?

WILL: You. Are. FINE.

ROSARIO: Thanks, Will.

WILL: I don't let just anyone stand next to me, you know. I am a dapper cat. I need someone who can hold their own against the heat of my charm and suavitude. I mean, paisley? Could anyone else wear paisley? No. But I am WORKING this paisley. I have given this paisley a sensual massage and now we've moved on to champagne and strawberries and edible panties.

ROSARIO: Sure! It's true that you're very smooth, Will. I'm happy to be here with you.

WILL: But damn, Rosario, I'm serious here -- you glow. If I weren't already in a happy heterosexual marriage and equal partnership that is indestructible against the force of any human foibles, I would be all OVER you. I mean, in that dress, you look like a bridesmaid, a bit. But in a HOT way. It WORKS. You're the sexy bridesmaid at the wedding that all the groomsmen decide they're going to try and hook up with after the reception, but none of them do because I get there first and woo you with sensitive conversation, sharp wit, and my mad love skills.

ROSARIO: Thanks! You are good for my ego.

WILL: I KNOW how to stroke an ego, baby. I am the master of romance. I will pour scented oil on that ego and light candles and then....

ROSARIO: Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're the man, you'll massage it and then there's champagne and panties. Noted. Now can we go inside and get this show on the road?

WILL: Not until we get one more picture of this hot love triangle between you, me, and my paisley. The world needs to SEE how it's DONE. YOUR MOVE, BECKHAM. I dare you to pull this off, boy.

ROSARIO: This is going to be a long night.

Miss Teen South Carolina tried to be gracious to everyone but the photographers would say, "to your left, your left!" And then quickly say, "your other left" despite the fact that the poor girl was standing still.

For some reason they didn't pull that crap with Common.

Yep, it's me Chris Brown. I'm even pointing to myself. I'm so cool that I wear my hoodie on the red carpet. That's me yo.

Martin Scorsese (L) hugs Stephen Spielberg in front of George Lucas (guy with poufy 'do and grandpa glasses). This is picture to me looks like Martin is going in for the kiss with Steven.

Jodi Foster says "See, that's how you gun them down."

Kyle Gass is real sexy. No wonder she is walking away.

Justin Long is possessed.

Is it just me or does Will Smith appear (from this view) to be copping a feel?


ROBERT PATTINSON: Come on, everyone. I DARE YOU.

KRISTEN STEWART: Dare them to what? Ask if we're sleeping together?

TAYLOR LAUTNER: Oh, please God, no. I so don't care if you're sleeping together.

K.STEW: Right? BORING. I'm not even interested in whether we're sleeping together, at this point.

R.PATTZ: I'm so bored of us that my boredom comes back around to being arousal.

K.STEW: Ew. Not mine.

R.PATTZ: No?

K.STEW: LOOK AT YOU. I am not sleeping with you again, by which I mean for the first time, until you shower and shave.

TAYLOR: THANK YOU. It had to be said.

R.PATTZ: Well, I'm not sleeping with YOU ever again, or for the first time, until you go back to wearing Converse and tight jeans and not brushing your hair. You look like you're playing dress-up in Zoe Saldana's closet.

K.STEW: I think I look nice. And clean. And event-appropriate. AND CLEAN.

R.PATTZ: No no, I like my girls to look troubled and ill-rested and as though they're still coated in the sweat from our fervent horizontal joyride. You know, like me.



KRISTEN STEWART: TAYLOROHMYGOD.
TAYLOR LAUTNER: It's okay, we're in this together.

KRISTEN: I forgot how intense this is. I think some 40-year old mother just asked if she could feed my hair to her sick child.

TAYLOR: Where's Rob?

KRISTEN: I'm not doing photos with him tonight. It's too intense.

TAYLOR: What is? The pandemonium? Or the urge to rip off his clothes?

KRISTEN: EW. TAYLOR. Rob is like FAMILY to me.

TAYLOR: Sorry.

KRISTEN: The kind of distant-second-cousin family that it was okay to marry back in Elizabethan times.

TAYLOR: So...

KRISTEN: Just shut up and tell me I look pretty.

TAYLOR: You DO look pretty!

KRISTEN: Thanks for sounding so surprised.

TAYLOR: Whoops. You ARE totally pretty. I mean it. The dress is even sort of interesting. It kind of looks like something you might have borrowed from Selena Gomez's closet. Not that I would know ANYTHING about what's in her closet, of course.

KRISTEN: Of course.

TAYLOR: Your hair is an awful mess, but you know what? This might be the best it's looked in a while, even so, and frankly I think you're just stuck with it until that horrible Joan Jett hairdo grows out. What were you THINKING wearing your hair like this to this premier?

KRISTEN: I just got sick of being Bella.

TAYLOR: Fair enough.

KRISTEN: So I look okay?

TAYLOR: I think you do. I mean, it's always weird seeing you in a dress.

KRISTEN: RIGHT? That's why I'm changing into leather and an undershirt at the post-party.

TAYLOR: Shoot. Speaking of being naked, I think we've been spotted.

ROBERT PATTINSON enters scene, sees Taylor with arm around Kristen:


THE END.

Any hint of finger guns must be celebrated. If Kristen Stewart had gone through all her Twilight press giving finger guns, our relationship would have gotten off on wholly another foot. I find finger guns hilarious -- both ironically, and then in a way that comes around to being totally non-ironic, sort of the way I love That 70's Show because it's terrible but I also actually legitimately really love That 70's Show and think it's awesome. My friend Katherine actually managed to get finger guns into her college ID picture. It was amazing. Especially as my high school ID could have been subtitled: A Study in Perspiration.